Category: Adoption

Happy Birthday Patrick!

A year ago, I was a basketcase. Against all reason, I’d convinced myself that I should have gotten a call from my adoption caseworker about a child.. even though we’d only been approved to adopt for a little under 2 months.

Little did I know that two time zones away, a beautiful little boy had just been born. At birth, the doctors doubted he’d survive. Labor had been induced three weeks early because when his birthmom went in for an ultrasound, the doctors discovered that Patrick was in trouble (beyond the already known problems gastroschesis and suddenly missing intestines).

After he was born, Patrick was swept immediately away to surgery where they discovered that his Short Gut was substantial. His birthparents were told maybe had 24 hours to live.

Now here we are, a year later. Patrick is thriving, in spite of all he’s been through and the many, many times that doctors have questioned how long he’d live.

Patrick’s life in every way is a miracle. What a blessing it is to have him in our lives.

Happy birthday, Patrick!

For all your party-goers, the party’s still on at our house this afternoon.

Prayer Trading

I came across this quote recently from an address given at the Families Supporting Adoption National Conference. The speaker Troy Dunn said, “My mom introduced the beautiful concept of adoption in a very simple manner. She said, ‘There is something that is called prayer trading, and we’re going to trade prayers with somebody. Somewhere out there is a girl praying for a good family for her baby. We are going to pray for a good tummy with a baby in it, and we are going to answer each others’ prayers.'”

When we were considering adoption and meeting and learning from birthfamilies, I sometimes felt guilty that I would benefit through someone else’s loss. My prayers to become a mother would be answered though another family’s suffering.

I expressed these feelings once at an adoption conference and was quickly cut off by a birthmother  who overheard me. She reminded me adoption benefits both parties. For me, obviously, it provided me with the chance to be a mother… something I wouldn’t have been able to have on my own. For a birthfamily, it provides a hopeful solution to what otherwise might be a hopeless situation. In the case of adoption two families are suffering, and in the end, two families get a happy ending.

And so, as we prayed to adopt, we prayed that Patrick’s birth family would be blessed, comforted, and guided through a difficult time. We continue to pray for them.

We’re in a situation of prayer trading again. I’ve heard other families with children on transplant lists express feelings of extreme guilt as they consider the loss that another family will experience for a transplant to be possible. I’ve felt guilty about this idea myself. However, I’ve also watched families who have lost children and who have chosen organ donation. And I have seen the comfort that comes from knowing that their loss could at least help someone else.

One family in particular comes to mind. One of their sons is waiting for a transplant. Another was recently killed in an accident. When we attending the funeral for the son who’d been lost, I heard his parents and brothers and sisters all proudly state that he had been an bone and tissue donor. I also heard them say that they were praying for their other son’s donor family – as they could now relate in a new way with them.

What a beautiful testament to this miraculous gift organ donation can be. Not only does it give the gift of life to the recipient, but in some small measure the gift of peace to the donor’s loved ones. Prayer trading at it’s best.

I don’t mean in writing this to diminish in any way the grief associated with the loss of a loved one, especially a child. It is real and deep and not something we take lightly.  However, organ donation lets a light of hope shine where otherwise there would be two sad endings.

What a marvelous things that sometimes when we are going through our greatest trials that Heavenly Father allows us to answer one another’s prayers.

Please join us as we now trade prayers with Patrick’s donor family. And please consider, if you haven’t done so, registering as an organ donor yourself.

Fathers Day Reflections

Chicken and I had the opportunity to go to church at the hospital today (for those who haven’t heard, Patrick is in the hospital, but those details will come later). While we were sitting there a lot of emotions regarding fathers day came to mind. I thought that I would try to write some of those down.

First my very own fathers day… It seems like a long time ago. A year ago, Chicken and I were just starting into the approval process for adoption. Oh how things can change in a year. It is hard to believe that we now have a little guy that is growing and progressing. So this is my first official fathers day, the gray hairs show that I’m a dad.
It is also amazing to think about all the stuff that we have learned. It is a humbling experience to arrive at the hospital and have the doctors take orders from you. We (mainly Chicken) have come up with a routine that has Patrick growing and staying relatively healthy, the doctors don’t want to mess with that situation, so they listen carefully to how we do things. I appreciate all the wonderful nurses that will sit and listen to all the little things that we do for Patrick, and attempt to follow it.
This fathers day also makes me think about my father, who is out of the country, so I won’t see him today. I sure hope he is enjoying his time in Mexico, in some ways I wish Chicken and I were there to show him some of the joys of visiting Mexico. I can see a lot of me in my dad. Thanks for helping to make me the person I am today. (I hope that doesn’t sound conceded).

I have also spent some time thinking about birth fathers. They kinda get left out of the adoption picture, or get blamed for the adoption situation. I think that it is very rare that birth fathers forget about their children. Some may make choices that don’t reflect the love that they that have for that child. But they do make the sacrifice to give their child a good home with another father who cares about their child. In our case the relationship with the birth father has slowly grown, it shows very much that he cares for Patrick. Thanks, Nick.
Well I think is enough out of me for one post. I probably won’t tell anyone else that this is here, if you stumble across it, thanks for reading.
– This post was written by Brian, a.k.a. Howie

Sealing and blessing

As of 4:10 p.m. on February 13th, Patrick is officially a member of our eternal family!

We started out the weekend’s events with a little bit of humbling. Howie took the day off to help get the house ready and I was going nuts trying to take care of every little detail from ironing temple clothes to prepping food for the open house. But, a flat tire on the freeway ay 10:30 the night before we went to the temple was a good pull back into reality. Changing the tire was easy, but it revealed other bigger problems and we made it home on a prayer and half a rotor on the front passenger side. Boy did my priorities realign quickly, especially as I watched our car be taken away on a tow truck, just trusting that we’d get through the weekend all right anyway.

Howie’s family helped get the church set up for us to go the temple, and then his mom made it here just on time to watch Patrick while we got dressed to go. She drove us to the temple and we tried took a few pictures. Although it was sunny, the wind was bitter cold and Patrick was NOT happy so we didn’t stay too long.
My mom and dad met us at the temple. Mom was there to take care of Patrick in the nursery. (Including dressing him and reconnecting his IV’s). We left him there in capable hands and then went off to get dressed in white.

We met the sealer (this is the official title for the man who performs a sealing ceremony in the temple). Turns out he had been the community doctor in the town where my family grew up, so he knew my grandparents and dad, and some of my mom’s family, too.

They kept trying to start early… But my grandpa and some of my friends hadn’t made it there yet.. So we just made everyone wait. Our friend Tifanie was so excited that she couldn’t contain herself and ran over and gave me a hug… making everyone cry.

Finally everyone all of the guests had arrived and they went and got the man of the hour. My mom brought him in, dressed in a white tuxedo and wrapped in a white afghan she made just for the occasion. Brian and I knelt across the altar from each other, holding hands, and Brian’s mom brought Patrick and laid his little hand on ours. At first, he was a bit fussy, but we turned him around so his right hand would be on ours, and he caught my eye, and he settled down immediately. We watched each other’s eyes the whole time.

A sealing for a child is quite short… just a few lines said by the sealer that bind the child to his or her parents (in the eternal record) and then promise special blessings. Patrick seemed to soak up the entire experience, and then, completely content, went right to sleep as soon as it was over and I had him in my arms.

We celebrated and welcomed him into the family that evening with an open house at the church. I went smoothly (thanks in part to awesome family who helped with the food prep, set up, and clean up). There were enough people there that I couldn’t quite make it to talk to them all. Finally we wrapped up, cleaned up, and got home COMPLETELY exhausted! And with way, way, WAY too many leftovers. I think next open house I’m going with punch and cookies.

Saturday we got to recoup a bit as we visited with family, which was nice because we knew Sunday would be another big day. Patrick got to know his cousins and aunts and uncles a bit better.

Sunday morning Patrick could barely sleep. After his morning feeding, I sat in his room holding him and he just kept waking up and grinning at me. I swear he knew what was going on that day.

Because he had us up early, we were able to take our time getting ready. He spent a little time cuddled with his Daddy in the bed, and then we got him dressed and ready for church. Our ward has classes first, followed by sacrament meeting, so I went off to Primary with the children and Patrick went with Brian to his classes.

We snuck out a bit early to change Patrick into his white tux… and luck of all luck… found that his ostomy bag had started to leak. Luckily, by now Howie and I are a pretty smooth team and we were able to pull of a pretty amazing quick change in one of the classrooms and still make it to the chapel on time.

When the time came, Brian took Patrick to the front of the chapel. Brian is an Elder in our church, and his brothers, some of my brothers, our fathers, and my grandfather are also priesthood holders, and therefore could help with the ordinance. They surrounded Patrick, each with one hand holding him, and then Brian performed the blessing.

In a baby blessing, the child is given a name and then given personalized blessings. Among other things I remember from the blessing, Patrick was reminded of the love that brought him into our family – both our love and the love of his birthfamily. He blessed him with strength to face the difficult medical journey ahead. He reminded him that he was a child of miracles.

When they came back to sit beside me, Patrick was just glowing. His daddy held him and I could see the love that they had for each other. I also knew, as I looked at Patrick, that he understood all that had gone over the weekend and was happy about it. I really believe that, although he was adopted, the Lord promised He would waste no time in making sure that Patrick received these two very important ordinances.

Since then, well, I can’t quite get enough of my son. I don’t know what the future hold, though I’m sure there are rough times ahead. But I do know that I was blessed with a very special gift and a very important calling in this life when I was given the opportunity to be Patrick’s mom. And I will never forget the day he was sealed a part of our family forever.

Gotcha Day

In the adoption community, the day an adoption is finalized is known as your “gotcha day.” Well, miraculous as it is, Patrick’s adoption was finalized on January 7th.

It took a couple of days for the news to get to us, and a week before the papers arrived and it really seemed real. But, late as the news is in arriving on this blog, it is true.

LDS Family Services’ lawyers were amazing and petitioned the court for early finalization so that there would be no legal hurdles to our taking Patrick out of state to be evaluated for transplant. And, well, the court agreed.

In following his holiday tradition, we submitted our part of the petition on Christmas Eve. But Patrick managed to finally have his own day in his gotcha day. January 7th is the day after we celebrate the Italian tradition of Befana in our house and wrap up our Christmas season.

We’ve made arrangements to go to the LDS temple with him on February 13th so that we can be sealed for time and eternity as a family. This is a special ceremony in our faith. We believe that marriage and families are intended by God to be eternal, not till death do us part. Marriages performed in LDS temples are performed for time and for eternity and children born into an “eternal” marriage are likewise a part of that family for eternity. A sealing ceremony provides that same promise for adopted children. Patrick will be tied to our family as though he had been born to us. This is something that his birth family wanted for him and a day that we have been looking forward to for a long time.

Coming Home

Well, it took a few days longer that we’d hoped… But on a grand scale we actually made incredibly good time at getting back home to Utah. The ICPC came through late on Monday… unfortunately too late to do anything about it. So – Tuesday morning arrangements began to be made for the air ambulance. We were scheduled to leave Michigan at 2 p.m. Wednesday. Since space on the plane was limited, and there were things to do at home, Howie flew home Tuesday as soon as we’d made arrangements. I stayed behind to tie up the last loose ends and to take care of Patrick.

Of course, the best laid plans… Weather and mechanical things put the air ambulance enough behind that they had to take an FAA required break… So instead of leaving at 2 p.m., they finally made it to the hospital at midnight. I did my best to sleep before then… but Patrick wasn’t too keen on that idea so I was pretty tired even before I left.

The trip home was a very unique experience. 3 flight nurses and 2 EMT’s showed up around midnight and talked to the nurses at Beaumont to make sure they understood Patrick’s needs. Then, we wrapped him up in the snowsuit I’d bought for him at the last minute and strapped him into the carseat, which had been secured to a stretcher.

We made our way out through the ER of the hospital and were loaded into an ambulance. When transporting an infant, their biggest goal is to keep them warm… So the ambulance was a bit like a sauna. It took 45 minutes to get to the airport in Pontiac.

They put me on the plane first to get settled while they got things warm and ready for Patrick. Then they brought the rest of everything along. (Everything means Patrick in his carseat and a tiny little vital signs monitor and a tiny size pump for his TPN). Plus the flight nurses. We rode home in a leer jet so the space was quite cramped, but pretty comfortable. There were two nurses, a respiratory nurse (to make sure Patrick didn’t get hypoxic), and two pilots.

We flew at 70,000 feet because there is less turbulance at that altitude, so the climb took forever. But Patrick, who’d been asleep since we’d put him in his snowsuit, barely stirred. Once we reached altitude, I got to trade seats so I was closest to Patrick. But he was determined not to wake up. I had to work really hard to get him awake enough for his feeding, and then he fell asleep again right away.

Since he was determined to sleep, I went back to the comfier seat myself and tried to get some sleep in. I think I slept for about an hour and a half, and then woke up on time to start recognizing the silhouettes of mountains. One of the most stunning sights from the flight was the moon setting over the rockies, seen through the front windows of the jet.

We landed at the Salt Lake Airport about 4:30 and it took about 40 minutes to get loaded into the new ambulance and up to the airport. We found the NICU at just about 5:30. The hospital staff knew we were coming, but had expected us several hours before. And, for some reason, the ambulance crew didn’t think to call ahead and came in through a back entrance they weren’t expected to use… so we caught them a bit off guard.

They did an exceptional job through getting us in. I guess that, although the hospital had been in communication with the GI accepting Patrick, that information didn’t get passed along to many people. So, fortunately, the staff at Beaumont had done a great job educating us and we were able to help provide the basic information they needed to get started with his care.

They did pull me out to do some admissions and orientation stuff. And right about then the stress of the past day and the flight hit me. I was so glad for a stash of food and water in my bag because for a few moments there I was sure I was going to pass out. Fortunately, Howie finally got to us (he’d missed us because we came in an unexpected door) just as I hit the non-functional state and was able to take care of the most crucial things there.

Then, with Patrick mostly settled, we went home to get some much needed rest. I would have liked to spend a few hours with him, but I’d about hit my limit. So we got home at 7 a.m. Boy was it nice to see my own car and my own house!

We slept a few hours then got up, put the 200 some odd pictures we took in Michigan into a photo album (Howie had all those digitals printed), and then went to Thanksgiving dinner. It was early afternoon before we made it back to the hospital but Patrick was doing pretty well when we got there. He wasn’t sleeping, he was just laying there looking at his new surroundings. (He’s in a much busier room and I’m sure was confused).

That night, he got to meet my dad, his grandpa, for the first time.

Now we’re just trying to get things settled. We brought stacks and stacks of pages from his chart in Michigan with us. But- as we’d been warned they would- for most information they are relying on us to help explain. Again, we are so grateful for those doctors and nurses who took time to make sure that we really understood everything from Patrick’s care to his treatment, tests, and diagnosis.

This is a bit of a big adjustment for us. Different hospitals do things in different ways. Of course, the hospital wants to do their own assessment, so we’re repeating some things. He has to earn his way back off of pulse-ox and back into a crib. But they’re also being pretty proactive in his care. They’ve tried continuous feeding… but it sent his output levels through the roof. So now we’re trying progestamil by mouth… and he seems to be doing fine with it. We’re hoping to be transferred into the infant unit instead of the NICU pretty soon… but that all has to wait till the end of the assessment period, so it may still take some time. Some of the fun changes in this hospital are that we are dressing Patrick ourselves and he gets a bath 3 nights a week. I got to give him a bath last night, and boy oh boy did he love the baby lotion massage afterwards.

We expect things to pick up once we make it through the weekend. Yesterday, as people came back from the holiday, we started to meet some of the important people who’ll be involved with Patrick’s care. Monday we expect to see the most progress as things are finally back to work as usual.

The last legal hurdle

Our adoption process is a bit like a triathlon. The first leg is the home study and finding process. Most of you have heard about that. You answer a bunch of questions, clean every nook and cranny of your house (even the ones a caseworker would never look at), and then wait and publicize and wait some more.

The second leg for us has had a lot of hurdles. Some of the milestones have been a pre-placement agreement, enrolling Patrick in our insurance, a court date to establish custody, pre-authorizing a medical transport, and today we crossed the last hurdle… the Interstate Compact, or ICPC.

An ICPC is a formal agreement between two states about how an interstate adoption will be handled. It has to be finished before the child can leave the state. And we’ve been sitting here anxiously all weekend waiting for it to come through. And finally today at 4:15 EST we got the authorization we were waiting for to take Patrick back to Utah!

So now the only thing left for us to be able to go home is arranging the air ambulance for him. We expect that to be worked out tomorrow morning. If we’re lucky, we’ll make it home before Thanksgiving. (Knock on wood). Then the last leg is 6 months’ supervision and then the adoption will be final.

We are so excited to be able to bring Patrick home and let him meet the family and friends who have been praying so earnestly for him.

In the meantime, I’ve thrown a couple of other pictures of him in just because that’s what a bragging mom should do.

Patrick’s doing really well this week. His surgery on Monday seems to have been a success. A couple of days ago his jejunostomy started to work. They started feeding him again yesterday and today advanced him to formula. (Patrick doesn’t get much nutrition from food, but eating stimulates his other organs to work and may help preserve his liver and increase his chances of making it to a successful transplant.)

He’s also making great strides in winning us over. He’s pretty good at convincing me that I should hold him for hours for no reason beyond just that he wants it. I’m a sucker for the little smile he gives me when he recognizes my voice or my face. Howie’s not faring much better in resisting his charms.

The bestest birthday present ever

This year, my ultimate birthday wish came true. On Tuesday we were given custody official legal custody of Patrick. This was done in what was pretty near record time for the state of Michigan. Now we only have a couple of hurdles left before we can bring him home.

If you haven’t heard the sorry, we were contacted on November 5th by our caseworker and told about a little boy who’d been born the week before in Michigan. The details of his medical condition were pretty sketchy, but in essence, we knew that he had to be fed through an IV and that his chances of living past age 2 were pretty slim.

Our gut reaction was grief, mourning for the loss of what we’d expected in becoming parents. But, at the same time, we’ve always felt that adoption is a faith process and we at least owed this opportunity some serious thought and prayer.

Brian came home from work and we said and prayer and went to the temple. And – decided that we should keep learning more. The next day we got some additional information from our caseworker and sent a copy of our adoption profile to Michigan. We really didn’t expect to hear much more and did not expect at all to be chosen.

But – the next day, as I met Brian at his office for flu shots, the phone rang and our caseworker told us that Patrick’s birthparents had chosen us. (I didn’t care so much anymore if it might hurt to get a flu shot). We quickly got in touch with caseworkers and the hospital in Michigan to learn more. We decided that the best way to assess the situation was to fly to Michigan where we could see things first hand.

We arrived in Detroit Saturday evening and, after cleaning up a bit at the hotel, went to the hospital. We were met there by a bit of drama between the birthparents… and were not met by the caseworker here. We were introduced to the birthmother and her family, and then to Patrick. We learned that Patrick was born with a defect called short gut, meaning that most of his bowel is missing. Because of this, he’ll need a bowel transplant to survive. But – he is so small that he can’t have a transplant until he at least doubles in size… and his chances of surviving infection and liver damage that long are pretty slim.

We went back to our hotel room completely overwhelmed and quite ready to just go home. But – we’d promised ourselves that we’d spend a day with him, and so Sunday that’s what we did. We spent a day holding him and learning what kind of care he needs. One thing to know about Patrick is that, unless you know something’s wrong, only the tubes attached to him would give away his condition. In every other way, he is a happy, healthy little baby boy. And by the end of Sunday, he’d pretty much wrapped me around his finger.When I got back to the hotel I started copying pictures from our digital camera. When I came across the picture at the top of this post, my heart just kind of sang. I knew that I’d fallen in love with this little guy.

There were still a lot of questions to be resolved, though. We didn’t even know if the hospital in Utah would be able to care for him. So we spent Monday morning talking to doctors, nurses, insurance, and social workers.

Brian had to fly back to run a conference in Utah that same day. His flight left at 1. And we had to make a decision the same day. We really didn’t know exactly how things would work out… but we couldn’t leave Patrick anymore, and so we called the caseworker and signed the documents to begin the adoption process.

Michigan requires that the birthparents appear in court and be questioned to ensure that they made the choice to place a child for adoption of their own free will… so we had a tense few days as the agency prepared paperwork and worked to get an early court date. Fortunately, Howie had plenty to keep him busy at home and my mom was able to come spend the week with me here so that we didn’t have to face that anxious time alone.

And – finally – just two days ago on my birthday, the court placed Patrick in our custody.Now we’re praying for smooth sailing as the interstate compact is worked out and, even more importantly, as we try to figure out how to get Patrick home. The price tag on an air ambulance to Utah is $30,000. The care manager at the hospital is trying to persuade the insurance company to pick up the tab for most of that, but they (understandably) aren’t sure that they want to do it.

So, we keep praying and working, and most importantly, enjoying our new little son. The best part of any day for me is being able to sit with him snuggled up to my chest… especially now that Howie’s back to share the moment with me.

It’s too hard to keep up with all of our loved ones by telephone, so we’re going to do our best to keep you in the loop through this blog. Thank you all for the love and prayers and support on our behalf thus far.